An early morning phone call, from a man who was quite disturbed about an issue that he and his wife had become contentious and even disagreeable about, became the motivation for this commentary. A young man, who they had helped to rear, and who happened to be his nephew, had gotten himself in some trouble. This particular young man was now living in one of the major cities in North Carolina with his mother. Regrettably, he was a problematic juvenile delinquent who had been a repeat offender since he was around twelve years of age. Now he had been incarcerated for a crime that will probably cause him to spend some time in prison. The issue that caused the man and his wife to disagree was whether or not to pay his bail and bring him back to the area or leave him to sweat it out in jail and bear the consequences for his stupidity and crime. The husband, who had endeavored to get him back on the right track, had told his sister (the young man’s mother) that he was not going to do it this time. His wife, moved by her emotions and love for the boy, thought otherwise and was strongly considering going into her personal bank account and sending his mother the money to bail him out and bring him back to the area. Receiving and considering the call and complaint from the man, I immediately called his wife and told her that after hearing her husband’s concern about the matter, I could not help but to agree with his decision. Knowing and respecting me as she does, she capitulated and got in agreement with her husband about the issue. Thus, the idea came for what you are reading now. I believe and will proceed to briefly show you that sometimes the best way to help someone is not to help him or her at all.
Now that we have hopefully established the motivation behind this writing, I want to share with you some practical and prudent reasons and scenarios why sometimes the best way to help someone is not to help them.
What I will share covers a broad spectrum of people, situations, and circumstances. Howbeit, it does not excuse nor justify refusing to be compassionate and helpful when the need warrants it. I am in no wise encouraging or endorsing the warped and miserly practices of the Ebenezer Scrooges of our world. Such people are a part of a loathsome breed that need to have a change of heart as the Dickens’ character did in his classic story A Christmas Carol. I will give you five reasons, in the form of an assertion with a brief comment on each, which I believe will validate what I am saying here:
Reason #1: When You Try To Do For People What They Should Be Doing For Themselves
How often have we found ourselves in this situation with a loved one, relative, or friend? Ultimately, all of our attempts to help them prove futile and ineffective, or even worse; it handicaps them and makes them more dependent on us. In such a situation, we need to release them and allow them to fend for themselves. Let them be responsible to meet their own needs and take care of their own business.
Reason #2: When People are Exploiting and Taking Advantage of Your Generosity
This is a very common scenario that we see being demonstrated routinely in various settings. I have found myself being the victim of such folk who seem to specialize in the art of getting over on people like me who strive to be compassionate and generous to those who are destitute and in dire need. Over the years, I have learned to be discreet and discerning. I have learned to say no to those who I determine are “get-overs” who specialize in taking advantage of compassionate and generous people. In doing so, I have discovered that I now have more to give to those who are truly in need.
Reason #3: When People Despise and Reject Good Counsel or Advice
One of the primary times when the best way to help is not to help at all is when a person despises and rejects advice and counsel. Attempting to help people who refuse to follow good counsel or advice is like putting water in a container with holes.
It is not only a waste of time and effort, but also a futile endeavor to help a fool. I can remember wasting my valuable time over the years with a few people who are in this category. Almost always without fail, these people did not amend their ways nor get any better. On the contrary, they regressed until collapse or ruin was their end and epithet.
Reason #4: When People Display Unwillingness to Change
Have you ever found yourself in a situation of trying to help a person who is stubborn, unrepentant and bent on doing what they want to do, even if it hurts or kills them?
In all such cases, it is not only a waste of time, effort, and energy, but also can become very discouraging and even depressing, if you are not careful. I have learned from experience that the best way to help people in this category is to let them go their way, do their thing and pray for them.
Regardless of how sincere, supportive, and sacrificial your efforts are to help them, if they are not willing to change; all of your help is regrettably in vain.
Reason #5: When People Want a Handout and Not a Hand Up
I have a picture in my den that I have placed on an easel of a man’s arm and hand reaching down over a wall to pull up another man whose arm and hand is reaching up to receive help.
This picture illustrates the point I am making here. I believe that the best way to help people is to offer them a way out and up from what is holding them captive.
It is better to teach a man to fish than to continually give him fish.
When I put forth an effort to show him how to catch his own fish, I am giving him a means of becoming self reliant and independent of my help. However, when people persistently reject a hand up for a handout, it is a sure sign of dependency, laziness, and refusal to be responsible for their own well-being or worse.
Perhaps you have discovered yourself and attempt to assist people in one or more of the previous scenarios. The individual you are trying to help just might be an adult child, a relative, or even a friend. They could be a peer in the church or on the job.
What they are struggling with may be a debilitating habit like drug addiction or alcoholism.
It could be lying, stealing, or simply hanging out with the wrong people who’s leading them astray and to ruin.
If they fit into one or more of the categories that we have considered, turn them loose, get a grip on your emotions, bite the bullet, and withdraw your support.
Under the circumstances, the best way to help them is not to help them at all.
