“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.” — Maya Angelou
One of the things that we all perhaps have in common is that we will experience or have experienced a season of sadness and grief due to the loss of a loved one or close friend. Without exception, every family or person will find themselves (oftentimes without warning) in a storm or season of grief and sadness. Having compassionate and sympathetic people in our lives, who will come alongside us during such grievous and burdensome times, is indeed a welcomed sight. As a pastor, I have been in the business of attempting to comfort and allay the grief of bereaving people for well over forty years. I make no boast of always being effective in all of my attempts. Like any other practice where human beings are involved, you win some and lose some. However, over these many years, I have learned, through trial and error, some approaches and practical procedures that have proven to comfort many who were bereaved and grief-stricken. Before I proceed to share some of these consoling techniques that perhaps will serve to assist you in the case that you find yourself in a situation where your condolences are needed, I will take the liberty of sharing with you a few things “not to do” when people are grief-stricken from the loss of a loved one.
One of the things that you should avoid asking bereaved people are meddlesome or nosey questions about the details and circumstances that led to the death of their loved one. If they choose to volunteer to share this information with you as a part of their healing and being relieved from the grief, by all means, give them a listening and sympathetic ear. However, to press or push them to share such information is not wise and can even exasperate their pain. Also, one of the things we should avoid when attempting to soothe them is foolish and frivolous talk, although being humorous is perhaps good if this is a part of your personality and established way of dealing with them. Nevertheless, we should avoid all crazy, gossipy, and silly talk during such times.
Just Showing Up Is Great Comfort
I have learned through the experience of being on both the giving end of consoling grieving people to the receiving end of bereavement myself that just the mere presence or sight of a friend or acquaintance is comforting within itself. Just the knowledge of seeing them during such troublesome times is very encouraging and affirming. Their presence conveys their concern and compassion and is uplifting regardless of where they fit in your circle of friends or peers. They may be people of few words and not the kind who is gifted with the “gift of gab”; however, just to see their face during the time of grief and bereavement speaks louder than those who talk a lot, but never show up.
Comforting Through Touch
After being consoled by the sight of seeing a friend, peer or acquaintance show up during a time of grief and great sadness, another way that comfort and encouragement can be expressed to uplift the spirits is through physical touch. Perhaps the most effective method of comforting through physical touch is with an embrace or what some commonly refer to as a hug. There is something about a sincere embrace of compassion that hits the spot and drives the message home to one who is grieving that you are there for them to help carry the weight of their pain.
It is a nonverbal, yet highly effective way of convincing hurting people that you truly care for them. Then there is the placing of the hand upon one of the shoulders of the person who is bereaved.
This method of comforting through touch can be very effective because it is a way of physically connecting with people without embracing. Finally, just a hand shake to a grieving person will oftentimes express your sympathy and condolences.
Listening and Silence Can Be Golden
There are times and situations when words are not necessary, when people need to get out the pain and grief through talking or sharing with someone who is willing to be quiet and just listen. I have discovered that this is often the best way to help anyone with a pressing problem, regardless of the nature of it. Professor Andrew Griffin, who is a Harvard graduate and was considered at the time one of the best instructors of human relations in academia, taught me the art of counseling hurting people when I took a class under him at American International College in Springville, Massachusetts back in the early seventies. One of the things I gleaned from his teaching that I still employ today was the art of listening to problematic people and allowing them to get the pain and pus out. This method works and people often have responded after the process that they felt a whole lot better.
Bring a Gift or Put a Little Money in Their Hand
I do not know when, where, or who started the practice of bringing food, soft drinks, or sweets like cakes or pies over to the home of a bereaving family during visitation times. Whoever came up with this neighborly practice came up with a splendid idea! To have friends and neighbors show up with gifts is an expression of compassion and concern, as well as a demonstration of comfort to a grieving family. The food, soft drinks, and sweets are a reminder to them that they are not alone during this time of bereavement. However, I have learned by experience again of being on both the giving and receiving end of compassion and comfort that slipping a little money in the hands of a grieving person can be very therapeutic and uplifting. The following words found in Ecclesiastes 10:19 are very appropriate to our discussion: “Money answereth all things.”
So as we bring our consideration to an end, I truly hope that something we have cited will help you to be more effective in the art of giving comfort to grieving people. Sooner or later, if you live long enough, you are going to be placed in a situation where someone you know or is close to will need your condolences. Hopefully, when that time arrives, you will be better able to help them.
